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EL FIASCO DEL APOCALIPSIS - Por Cátulo Bernal

EL viernes me levanté temprano, más o menos como a las once. No era cuestión estar durmiendo si se producía el tan ansiado fin de los tiempos. Desayuné con tres medialunas, naranja y café cargado con la ansiedad del que se sabe en el corredor de la muerte, a punto de apurar sus ultima pitanza. 
Llamé a Rómulo, a Pitón, Pococho y Al indio, para que se estuvieran avisados y luego de escribir una oda al ultimo minuto del milonguero Palleja —en el que prolijamente describía sus elongaciones en la ronda hasta que lo trago una grieta en el subsuelo—, busqué al ultimo lustrín superviviente de la crisis, me fui a la barbería para afeitarme y a que me arreglaran el pelo y luego de una modesta merienda con sanguchitos de miga  —mi manjar criollo favorito—  me fui a la Milonga del oriental a esperar la debacle en primera fila.
Confieso que así ataviado, solo en la mesa, sola mi botella, mientras sonaban los primeros tangos y los principiantes tenían tomada la pista con sus pasos prefabricados, tuve un momento de pánico pues creía ver en lontananza como un rasgón que era producto de una visión deficiente y no los bordes del empapelado celestial, que se caían, obsoletos.
Luego fueron llegando los muchachos. Primero Rómulo, en terno blanco y gorra a juego —una gorra reconvertida de la NBA,  mas bien cantora—, luego Pitón, El Indio, El profesor Maradona (con esmoquin a rayas en gris perla) y Pococho, renuente al traje pero con chaleco recamado.
Parecíamos una convención de gentes principales. Y así lo creímos, cuando la pista ya comenzaba a expulsar a timoratos para acoger en su noble seno a los que saben.
El cielo, difuminado por algunas nubes no parecía mejor o peor que otras veces. Rómulo atisbaba frecuentemente arriba, como queriendo ver —según sus palabras— unos «gigantescos altavoces que difundan la voz de Dios, llena de ira y recriminaciones, en donde seremos enterados por fin del acabose».
Pitón le contestaba que vendrían en carro Gardel y Razzano a terminar su contrapunto de canciones y que ese seria el principio del fin.
Yo, que soy más pragmático, viendo que se consumía la botella, pedí a la muchachada que nos fueran trayendo nuestra ultima cena: palmitos con jamón y salsa golf, deconstrucción de leberwurst con olivas y pasas de Esmirna, coc o vin (pollo al vino tinto) con guarnición de papas Pont Neuf (que me hacen recordar a los fogones del campamento scout, allá lejos y hace tiempo) un cabernet Sauvignon o tres, y peras también al vino tino(se ve que les sobró del pollo) con canela en rama marroquí. Y para terminar dos botellas de champaña, que el profesor tenia guardadas en la casa, obsequio de una fundación que lo contrató para diseñar un artilugio que permitiera despiojar los perros pudientes, y que habíamos pedido nos pusieran en la batea llena de hielo que Riquelme pone todos los viernes para enfriar los  chardonnay y la sidra.
 Esperábamos que el cataclismo tuviera lugar a entre la una y las dos, según los cálculos mayas y el huso horario. Se hicieron las dos, las tres, las cuatro,  las cinco y la pista seguía sin vaciarse y las botellas ya vacías.
Lo único que pasó fue que nos encurdelamos de mala manera.
 No hubo llanto, ni rechinar de dientes, no se abrieron las bóvedas celestiales y el mismísimo Dios no se dio por enterado, tan insignificantes somos para su gloria.
Al final, ya vencidos, nos fuimos reestableciendo a nuestros hogares, vacíos del fin y llenos hasta los bordes de comida y bebida buena.
Otra vez será...

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RAMIRO GARZULO, UN CANYENGUERO EN LA ISLA DE PASCUA

Estimados amigos de la Bata de Lusiardo, les escribo desde Rapanui, o la isla de Pascua, donde vivo desde hace unos  dieciocho años, cuando buscando una nueva oportunidad en la vida decidí vender la fabrica de chocolates con forma de milongueros famosos que tenia en Olavarria y que no me reportaba mucha ganancia para montar un puesto permanente de Huevos de Pascua y asi asegurarme el puchero. Acosado por las deudas y los problemas legales - Los herederos del Cachafaz no se tomaban a bien que lo hubiera hecho muy cabezon y tuve algunos problemas legales por el amargor del Chocolate de la figurita de Petroleo, que provoco en un asilo de ancianos varios casos de Gastroenteritis - pensaba en mi soberbia que era raro que nadie hubiera visto una oportunidad de negocio cuando estaba allí y era evidente. En aquella época no existía esto de la Internet y las pocas referencia que tuve de la isla me llegaban  por los relatos de veraneantes viajeros que me aseguraban que allí había un filón para
 ¡Ya tenemos el libro en formato físico! ¡Con los prologos de Raúl Mamone y Juan Carlos López y las soberbias ilustraciones de Pablo David Pugliese! https://www.amazon.es/CUENTOS-MILONGA-MADRUGADAS-Episodios-vivencias/dp/8409468905/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

EVITE MEDICAR AL MILONGUERO DE VERANO(Los consejos de Mario Pasolinski)

 LO QUE SIGUE ES UN ANUNCIO DEL MINISTERIO DE SALUD TANGUERA, A LA POBLACIÓN EN RIESGO DE EXCESOS. La milongueridad veraniega es leve. Ligera en sus usos y costumbres. Deja a un lado sus hábitos habituales(de costumbre y vestimentas) y se presenta al natural en milongas distendidas y otros eventos al aire libre.  Pero, como bien sabemos, el exceso de calor y de pavimentos fuertes, la floración agudizada de estímulos visuales y otros sentimientos equívocos, pueden mellar y menoscabar la actividad habitual de nuestros milongueritos.  Por eso, es importante que los mantengamos hidratados en todo momento con sus calditos fríos preferidos. Pero ¡Cuidado! Nada de abusar con cervezas o vinos blancos que consumidos en demasía provocan deshidratación y retención de resacas en días subsiguientes. Y mucho menos esos nuevos cavas o Champagnes Yampagnuovos que vienen en utilitarios envases descartables. Pueden parecer ambrosías en esas tandas ásperas de milonga a toda velocidad o D'arienzos ac